The Existentialist Question

So its been a long time since I have posted anything at all.  I might say that part of this is due to a desire to see if I post so little that when I actually do, then you will know it is worth reading.  But, if I’m going to tell the truth: its mainly because I haven’t been thinking about it.  I am now.

So, I’m back at seminary in Wilmore, KY and I have to ask myself one single question that most likely is the asked question in the history of humanity.  “Why am I here?”  While this may seem to be the same question as other people, I’m not questioning my place on earth or my existence.  I’m really just wondering why? As I sit here, I see my Master of Divinity degree.  It is all nice with Dr. Kalas’ signature on it.  I have my name written all fancy.  It’s real nice.  So, if I have the degree, I walked across the stage, I preached in the chapel, I took the last test, wrote the last paper, said goodbye to my friends, and packed up the car am I back here now taking classes again?  What in the world possessed me to come back?

I’m not the only one asking this question.  There are others.  Well, most people wonder.  I’m not sure if it is out of a great love to see me again, or if it is just a personal question that has been plaguing them?  I’m going to hope its the former.  Either way, I have had a hard time concisely telling people anything coherent as to why I am staying.  I could say something like, “Well, I took a cue from the federal government and decided that more debt would be a good thing.”  OR I could say, “I really get the shakes bad when I don’t drink enough Ale-8-1, and this seemed to be the easiest way to keep a steady supply and hide the addiction.”  My favorite rely is, “I want another shiny piece of paper on my wall.”  None of these answers seems to be the truth though, so I keep searching.

Ultimately, the best answer I can give anyone, myself included, is that this is exactly where God has me.  I am convinced of this.  I am not quite certain of all the details (which is scary for me) but I know that this is where God has me.  One of the few things I live my life by is the belief that there is no better place to be then exactly where God wants you.  If you don’t believe me, then ask Jonah.  I have one more year.  In my graduation, I looked back at three years and wondered where in the world it went.  I know a few more things now then when I began, but all the things I wanted to do while I was here seemed to be unaccomplished.  I am uncertain of reaching some goals.

Since I have all these goals unfinished and a calling to return for a year, I have decided to make the most of this time.  I’m going to become stringent on spending regular time with God. I’m going to go and see all those things I haven’t seen yet in this area.  I’m going to take this year as a gift and enjoy it.  Even though I am missing a year of “ministry” in the church, I know that the ministry God has prepared for me here this year must be more important.  The Kansas West Conference can wait one year.

I’m unsure of all the reasons.  The logic just doesn’t totally make sense.  All I know is that I’m where God wants me.  For now, that’s just where I’ll need to stay.


Published by: Brad Kirk

I'm an ordained Elder in the Great Plains Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church and serve as pastor of Leoti UMC in western Kansas. I am a graduate of Asbury Theological Seminary. I love being a husband to Diana and a father to Tobin. Most of all I am a child of God!

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